Subtotal
by strychix
Summary: Kyoya is a man of numbers and logic, lead by facts and fractions. He's nearly emotionally mute. What makes it worse is the person he has feelings for is emotionally deaf. Kyoya POV. Straightfic!
1. Feelings

A/N: I have so many unfinished fanfics in various different genres and verses but I am making this one to practice writing straight relationships (since I'm gay) and in first person so that things work out for my own serious writing. It might get mature ratings later, but for now it will fall under T.

Sorry to the readers of my other stories, I keep abandoning you as I get you. I will eventually finish them, I just go in cycles of obsession sometimes.

--

It seems as if she, like Tamaki before her, has gotten under my skin. I shake my head and finish my essay before walking to the front of the classroom to turn it in. No one will know upon reading my schoolwork that within the last paragraph I was severely reminded of Haruhi. Not only that, but I found myself smiling unintentionally at the very thought of her, having delayed my finish by what I would guess to be two whole minutes. Even Tamaki doesn't do that for me, and he had been the only one to make me smile in a way that wasn't false before. Which can only let me realize that she has more power over me than even the person that originally broke me out of my cold shell.

Of course, I could say that this was a momentary lapse, but I know that's not true. No, if I really paid attention to my own experiences, it was obvious. Perhaps I was the biggest pervert out of this group. Hadn't I all but raped Haruhi to prove a point? Why had that been the first idea to come to my head? Wasn't I the one that kept adding to her bill to keep her around? It was me who was the only one imagining Haruhi changing when Kasanoda went to apologize.

Quite simply, it seems if you repress something long enough - like sexual desires, like those fuzzy little emotions Tamaki wears on his sleeve - they come to bite you in the ass. I obviously still don't let these desires control me, I never will, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

I wait outside the class, contemplating these things even though my thoughts should be more focused on my future, on finances, on my connections. I wait for Tamaki, the originator of my happiness, as subdued as I keep it. From there we head to the third music room, early. He's rambling on about some romantic notion and all my mind is focusing on is that he, too, is thinking about Haruhi, even if he doesn't say it openly. I don't say anything about her and fully encourage his thoughts to stay fatherly and platonic in his mind, even if they aren't in his heart, because I am selfish and it benefits me if he's not dating the only girl in our crew. Both so I don't lose him and I don't lose her, and even more so so I don't have to restrain myself even more with an emotion to pile on my repressed aspects of myself. Jealousy.

I sigh and push up my glasses as I go into the back and change into the specified genre of today, elves. Not exactly sure where Tamaki got this one, but I don't argue. Girls love fantasy realms as far as I can tell and if they show up, that's all that matters. I look like an ageless elder or something, Tamaki a prince as usual. By the time we get out, we're waiting for Hunny and Mori to finish getting dressed, Mori a warrior as is his default, Hunny doesn't fit the image at all of a lithe, elegant elf so he just looks like a child version. I know that the twins will simply be elves, as beautiful as they can make themselves however, and Haruhi. Well, who cares, right?

I'm absently writing figures in my notebook, the expectations for today and accounting it in comparison to last year on this exact date. These things don't take over my mind anymore, too much of a habit. I finish that and am setting up appointments through email when Haruhi walks in, in which I force myself not to look at her. She changes and I'm almost done when she comes back. She is, apparently, some sort of seer. Everyone is complaining to her about how she didn't choose the Elven bride look. Idiots.

Perhaps it's only because I am the only one that it didn't take more than a moment to realize she was in fact not a boy, but I figure as soon as you put a dress on her or curls or makeup, her secret will be out. This is another thing I cannot let happen, because if she's no longer in the Host Club chances are I won't see her. She's too passive and I'm too cold. How very sappy of me, but of course there's the profit she brings in from being in our group as well. That will always be my default rationalization.

"What do you think, Kyoya? Shouldn't she dress as a girl one of these times?"

"Haruhi should do whatever she feels works for her." Did I really just say that? "It makes little difference to me, and the customers will respond best if she's content." Well, better at least.

Hunny's looking at me, so is Haruhi. I turn back to my computer with a forced look of indifference on my face. The twins and Tamaki are bickering amongst themselves and eventually Hunny looks away. She's still looking at me, I can feel her eyes on me and I can hear her light footsteps, another dead giveaway that she's female.

"Thanks Kyoya-sempai. They listen to you." She was smiling, I knew before I even dared to look at her. Her smile was always so free.

"Of course. It's only in the best interest of the Host Club that your gender not become public knowledge." It sounded good, but it felt wrong. She nodded and went off to make some tea or coffee, depending on what our 'King' wanted. That bothered me a little, I was slightly annoyed by how she handled Tamaki. She listened to him, and knew how to deal with him. Tamaki had won Haruhi over in the same way he had me, and that was a scary thought to me. He obviously likes her, same with Kaoru and Hikaru. Hunny and Mori don't show much sign of it, but it's not impossible.

I turn to her, absently putting my finger to glasses in thought. She has her back to me and all I can think of is if she likes any of them back, or even someone else. I'm calm and collected but I'm a dangerous person. I don't know what would happen if someone actually took the step to date her. Kasanoda was one thing, it was obvious because she didn't know them. Hikaru even on that vacation, he was too self centered at the time, too close to Kaoru, But that's changed a bit, and if they were to go out now, her friendliness wouldn't be the thing charging the whole ordeal.

But it's always been me making observations about how things might blossom into love concerning her.

It's always me making excuses.

Making threats.

Interesting.

But now wasn't the time to think about that, the customers are showing up. I know that tonight I'll be thinking things through until morning, no doubt imagining things I have no business imagining.


	2. Request

I clicked my phone closed, having just spent the last half hour on the phone with Ranka. I wouldn't dare admit it to anyone else, but my usual quickness and forwardness in order to spend as little time just necessary on the phone went out the window when talking to Ranka. Of course, it wasn't like his family's employees where he wasn't concerned with what they thought, he had always been very soft with Ranka because he was someone to win over, but it had changed somehow. The updates seemed to take longer, the conversations more both sided. It helped that Ranka was a bit like Tamaki, but it also helped that they generally spoke a lot about Haruhi and what she does in both sides of her life, and any words from Ranka concerning Haruhi doesn't include some perverted delusions in the other side's head.

The simplest thing for myself to do in this case is to admit it to myself. I like Haruhi Fujioka. Good, now that's out of the way. Now I have to think of why, which proves something more difficult in itself because I get unintentionally and uncharacteristically daydreamy when it comes to that.

I suppose, perhaps, it's the first female I've actually really known that wasn't related to me. The people that actually know me for me are limited to the Host Club, and she's the only female in it. I suppose it's why the other guys would like her, it's similar cases no doubt. Upon that, I guess it's that she's a bit like me, except freer. She's neutral in a lot of ways, though she shows her anger in subtle manners when she feels the need. She's smart, as shown by her grades and her appearance in this school. She has aspirations of her own, and works dilligently towards them. She does what's necessary and nothing more or less. She's also good with money, which is especially remarkable considering how little she has.

But there's the ways that she's different that makes her intriguing. I'm not just so narcassistic I want to date myself. She's... feminine enough. That sounds lame, but she does all the things that are girly and therefor charming without being obnoxious. She cooks, she cleans, she shops but she doesn't go overboard.

And most of all, she surprises me. She sees right through me, through everyone in the Host Club. But it's different for me, or at least I assume so. She sees the difference between the twins, and is immune to Tamaki, but me...

She hints that I might actually be a good person.

There's a difference between knowing more about someone than anyone else and seeing right through what everyone else sees. Everyone knows that Hikaru and Kaoru are mischievous and fun, and she sees that one's slightly more gentle than the other, who is more aggressive. But me, no one would ever blame me of doing a nice deed, like proving Tamaki's point or helping an old woman I didn't know. They wouldn't even suspect it on the most fragile rationalizations on my part. Tamaki never even tried to know the real me, I suppose, he just accepted me as I preferred to show myself. That's good in itself, but it's not the same.

I could lie through my teeth with the same convincing attitude that everyone thinks is me and she'd know otherwise.

I pull out my math homework to stop my thoughts. Numbers are good, even if the accounting has become so habitual that it no longer requires thought, the higher classes of math and the unexpected numbers at least can numb that part of my brain.

--

The next day comes and goes and it's closing at the Host Club. I'm the last one here generally, as I am usually putting together appointments and closing up the music room. Haruhi is left behind today as well, which surprises me. Usually Tamaki or the twins would stay with her. This is a rare occassion and I can't help but wonder if she intentionally shooed them off and spent forever cleaning up a mess she made, which I immediately added the broken teaware to her bill. I of course wouldn't say she intentionally dropped it, that's unlike her. Monetary cost was one thing that bothered her, time usually was not.

She finished and the last of the girls left the room, thanking me for the appointments they made. I watched her out of the corner of my eye for a moment before dismissing it and putting my things away. However, the next thing I knew, she was behind me.

"Kyoya-sempai?"

I slowly turn, and it's excruciating to force myself to do so. "You're not getting out of the debt you just racked up, you know that right?"

She only nods for a moment and I wonder what's going on. But I can't ask, not only is it out of the character I've built for myself but I feel my stomach contract when I even think about putting myself out there like that. Ridiculous.

"Well, it's about the masquerade ball coming up for Halloween." I can't even do my default 'you are required to be there, so I not-so-patiently wait for her to continue. "Do you think by chance you could help me shop for a costume?"

Me? "Isn't this something more benefited for... any other club member?" And it's true.

"Maybe. And if you say no, I'll ask one of them if I have to. But you know that Hikaru and Kaoru will just play dress up with me as a doll and I don't want to spend all day playing games on top of the usual. Tamaki, well, he'd be controlling about what I wear. Hunny and Mori would probably help, but Mori wouldn't be into it and Hunny would be my second choice but I don't know how much he himself knows about fashion and whats expected at the party."

Part of me is thrilled I was her first choice, part of me is upset that it was through checking off the rest of the members. "Do you really want to owe me money?" I ask with a sharp tone.

"I don't want to owe anyone money. And in the end, you'll just put it onto my debt. But, you'll stay froogle as possible but won't let me look like a commoner at the same time."

"The twins or Tamaki would likely pay for it without adding it to your debt."

"If you want to say no, sempai, just say no."

A long moment's pause. "Saturday morning, I'll pick you up. Have your father dress you in something decent. Now, if you'll excuse me." With that, I swirl and practically fly by her and out the door with long strides. I let myself blush momentarily. This was so silly, it was and I knew it, but if she had eliminated the other males in the club and wasn't vying to spend a Saturday with any of them, then it meant that at the very least she didn't hold onto any feelings of that sort for them. That didn't mean she liked me, in fact I told myself that she was merely being logical and that I was probably still the least friendly and fun in her eyes. She didn't like me, but she didn't like any of the others as far as I could tell.

And I'd be spending some time with her on Saturday. I sigh and let my face go calm as I file myself into the back of the car waiting for me.

The first rule to myself is I will not tell any of the others.

--

"And so I will leave her in your capable hands," Ranka giggled slight and I smile back cordially and nod. Haruhi sighed and made for the door, and I nod and excuse myself and ensure his daughter will be fine before following her. I almost smile at her grumpy look as she stands by the car.

"Don't you have anything less conspicious, everyone's staring again." It reminds me of Tamaki, it's the kind of thing he'd imagine her saying, but more meek and less annoyed looking.

"Anything less conspicuous here would look more conspicuous where we're going." Then, out of curiosity, I let myself ask something I normally wouldn't. "Are you embarrassed?"

"Not really I guess, it's more troublesome than embarrassing." I allow myself to smile as, after I opened the door more due to reluctance on her part than gentlemanly manners, she loads herself into the backseat. Tamaki might love her, but isn't it weird that he doesn't even imagine her as she is in his delusions?

I also load into the back through the other side and tell the driver to, well, drive. This day will likely be very intriguing one way or another.


	3. Barter

I sighed as audibly as I thought I could get away with and pushed up my glasses. She hadn't even thought about her preference for her costume. Of course not, because she most likely had no preference. Whatever pleased everyone else. "Well," I started, "Would you like to be male or female that night?"

Silence. "You mean I have a choice?"

"Of course. It's a masquerade." I shrug and cross my leg over the other. "So no one will know who's who."

"But then why do I even have to go? If it doesn't matter if I act the part of a host, then there's no reason-"

"It's required you join unless your parent writes you out, which I rather doubt he would. Not only that, but the Host Club benefits from this kind of thing, girls trying to guess who is who. Of course, some people will be obvious, but that doesn't mean you have to be." I write a note in my black book to put someone who won't say if Haruhi signs in as a boy or a girl at the check in station. "I rather doubt people will guess who you are, so it holds no real risk to me if you choose one or the other."

"No risk, huh..." She said, looking out the window. "Well, what do you think? Do you have an opinion on which sex I should go as?"

I should be flattered, considering my recent emotions concerning her, but I'm more annoyed than anything. Why is she asking me? "Both have their advantages." I refuse to say more, including why. On one hand, seeing her as a girl could be a treat. But I get that now. I look her over, she's in a dress and leggings and she has earrings on. Simple, cute, hardly richly but what else would I have expected? But, then again, seeing her look both rich and feminine... Hmm, that would be intriguing.

However.

The Hitachiin brothers and Tamaki would be absolutely annoying and probably drooling on her if she dressed as a girl. That would serve to be obnoxious indeed.

She laughed to herself, breaking me out of my thoughts, I look to her with a curious expression. "Oh, sorry. I was just thinking, that most girls will probably know whos who because they take advice from each other and went shopping together. And you'll be the only one to know me off sight alone."

I feel as if I was suddenly thrown into a slot I didn't want to be in. That placement, of course, is the gay best friend. I scoff and look away discreetly, as not to show that it bothered me. But she figured it out anyways.

"No, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to you and it's not like either of us are doing it for the same reasons they would. We're talking about not allowing me to embarass myself, not how to look the best at the ball. I trust you'll make me suitable, nothing more or less."

Somewhere in my head I hear a compliment about how she won't be able to help looking the best but I bat it away with some healthy rational thinking.

We arrive and the driver drops us off and Haruhi thanks him modestly. It's refreshing, the little things she does. Her balance between rational thinking and kind heartedness, which is something both me and Tamaki never will achieve.

So neither of us deserve her.

That thought sickens me as I lead her levelheadedly into the store. Funny how a commoner probably deserves better than what either rich, intelligent, and handsome young men can give her.

A girl comes to me and I indicate Haruhi with one hand, who looks a bit unsure of herself. "This girl needs a costume suited for a masquerade." I say strictly and follow as the girl tells Haruhi how beautiful skin she has, but that she'll need a wig, and oh this and yes that.

She sits us both down at a desk and sits across from us. "Any ideas as to what?"

"No idea." Something seems to be left unsaid, and I can bet I know what. She wants to say she will be dressing male, but she can't bring herself to say it to this stranger. And for some reason, I roll with what's unsaid and leave it that way. I guess I want to see her in a dress after all.

"No princesses, witches, fairies, so on and so forth. On the other hand, nothing weird." I say with a straight face and explain to Haruhi. "You might not want to stand out, but I'm not going to pay for a cliche." She only nods and takes Haruhi to the back room. I check my schedule, which I intentionally kept closed for today, but I check tomorrows. I then pull out my laptop from my bag and check my stocks, write an essay, and

About forty minutes later, the saleswoman, Janice I believe her name was, comes out and looks excited, and was that, mischievous?

"Sorry to keep you so long, I took apart a couple premades to form the perfect one for her body." Haruhi came out behind here.

Other than that unsure look on her face, she was beautiful. She held her mask in her hand, a gold and feathery creation. Off the shoulder short ruffled sleeves, a corset top that didn't deform her but merely clinged to her. A flowy skirt but not like the skirts most girls would be wearing, that would make them look like a puffball. Light, feathery wings didn't come from her shoulder-blades but from her mid-back. Everything was white, light teal, and gold. Her hair had been extended with slight curls.

I caught my breath forcefully and looked at her as softly as I could muster without looking sappy, and said plainly. "I think it suits you?"

She looked better immediately, smiling. "I guess it's not bad. At least it's not really frilly and it doesn't seem to be hard to put on or move in."

My eyes wandered to the saleslady as Haruhi let herself back into the dressing room, muttering something about learning to take it off herself. "You're funny." I say in a tone that speaks of just how unamused I am.

"I thought it would make things interesting." She replies, snarky bitch. "That will be four hundred fifty thousand yen, please."

"A red with soft blond highlights wig." I say. I look over to her. "It's essential that she be unrecognizable amongst our peers, that's what a masquerade is about."

She smiles and nods. "Make that five thousand." And shuffles to the back room.

I only chose red and blonde because it would compliment the dress. I rather like her brown hair, but I rather the Host Club not find out who she is. Now, for the next part. I pay the lady and turn to Haruhi with my arms out. She looks at me quizzically.

"I'll take the stuff." I rethink that as she hesitantly hands me the stuff. I decide against saying anything about her height making the dress bag drag against the floor. Especially since she didn't put up a fight.

I notice something in the instant she excuses herself from the attendant and I follow her to the door. When has she ever been angry at me? Exasperated? It can't be that I don't get under her skin, I'm the least compassionate, the least friendly, and the most blunt. The closest she's ever gotten to be angry at me is when she finds out how I am profit from her, and even that's merely more of an "oh, you ass" kind of vibe, or my side of her upset feelings are shared with the entire group.

Interesting.

We load into the car after the driver takes the clothes and puts them in the back. "Haruhi, how about some lunch?" She looks at me as if to say she doesn't want to owe me any more. "It's on me." She looks at me suspiciously, what does she want from me? "Sushi, perhaps? Driver, could you take us to Mojiji's?"

She mutters a reluctant thank you and I smile slightly out the window. Ootoro with Ootori, such a silly idea.

Next thing I know, we're seated.

"So, what's the real reason you want to buy me lunch, sempai?"

Never misses a beat, does she? "Haruhi, I think messing with Tamaki would be benefit me." I explain vaguely.

She looks at me questioningly, "What do you mean, Kyoya-sempai? Did he do something obnoxious again?"

I shrug as if to say, it's just the way things are. "It is all free, the costume that is, if you can keep your identity from everyone, including the Host Club, for the whole night. Excluding me, obviously."

"Why?"

"You don't think it would drive Souh nuts?"

"It would." She mused. "But I want to know what he did."

I think it over quickly, practically calculating her response to a number of different choices. "It's my belief he's called me 'Mama' far too many times. So I think it would be fun to take his daughter away from him."

Huh. Seems that, now that I think about it, that might have more than one meaning. She doesn't catch on, of course, she never does with that sort of thing. She just laughs slightly, I wonder if she's agreeing with me or making fun of me. Is it mine or Tamaki's antics that make her smile?

"And lunch is free too?"

"Lunch as well."

She reaches her hand over the table and I cock a thin eyebrow. Who gives a sitting down handshake? I take it anyways.

"We have a deal, Kyoya."

Sempai?


	4. Dream

A/N; THIS CHAPTER SUCKS I'M SORRY.

It feels wrong somehow. It's kinda mushy, that's why. OH WELL IT'S WHAT YOU WANT ANYWAYS, YOU KNOW IT. capscaps

Oh, and I guess I wasn't obvious enough in the last chapter. Just to clarify, Haruhi is going as an angel. Derpderp.

--

I go to press my glasses back and am met with the bridge of my nose instead. A nervous tick stolen from me by these damned contacts. I look myself in the mirror. My hair is slightly longer, extensions put in, and my eyes are green. It bothers me a bit, look unlike myself. I can pull off this look, but it doesn't feel right.

I train myself to play with my cuffs nervously instead. I keep staring at myself. My suit is very dapper, with leather accents. Which makes sense, since I'm accompanied by leather wings and my mask has horns attached.

Yes, I had gone in a week before to that same store and ordered to be a demon. Meddling saleswoman, I should have gone in and demanded something else. Yet I didn't, and now my gut told me I had made the wrong choice. This was totally sappy, this was totally wrong.

If Tamaki found out, which he would eventually, he'd kill me.

She had told everyone she had it handled, which worried everyone in the Host Club to no extent. How could she have it handled? Tamaki even proposed they spy on her one day, that they fix something up for her and gift it to her, among other ridiculous plans. I would just sigh and say that if she has it handled, then I have no reason to worry.

He had chosen to pick her up, but Ranka would no doubt rather forcefully tell him that Haruhi was elsewhere, acting as if he didn't know about the Masquerade. There was no way that Tamaki would be late, especially since I had told him I was sure that Haruhi wouldn't skimp out, she probably just wanted to be as less conspicious as possible.

I leave and it seems that just as fast as I leave the house, I'm at the doors of the school being asked for my student ID. I sigh and walk in.

So many people and while that usually doesn't bother me, I seem to have a lump in my throat. Ah, that's why, in the corner of my eye I've already spotted her. I for a moment wonder if she knows who I am, but the more I think about it, she only knows the twins by mannerism not by looks. If I don't make myself obvious, then really there's no issue. I pass by her and try to ignore her rather astonishing presence.

Girls are on me, more or less, by the time I make it to the punch bowl. Remembering I'm hidden, I practically growl at them and tell them to shut their ninny mouths and go elsewhere. Afterall, it benefits me none right now to act like a gentlemen to them. Feels weird, still, I'll see this girls on Monday and remember this and probably have to heal their hearts. Ironic.

So now they watch me from afar, still enamored with me unfortunately. I see Tamaki, obvious by his profound searching for someone. The twins, too are obvious because they chose to be identical still. Mori and Hunny by their difference in heights but still unseperated bond.

Time passes and music actually starts. I barely move before one third of the night is through. I simply cannot watch Haruhi stand off at the sidelines declining people who are enamored with her. She's making it simple as to her identity by her mannerisms who she was, if anyone was smart enough to look for those signs. That, and I believe the blonde is looking her way.

I stride towards her and put an unlikely smile on, trying to make it look nothing like the fake one I usually put on that she would know. "Miss, may I have this dance?" I bow and reach out my hand.

"Oh, no, I'm waiting for someone?" Oh? Who? What a liar.

I smile anyways. "Well, it seems to me you've been waiting for them for a third of the night. Let them wait for you while we dance." I wasn't asking, and I took her hand to prove it, and swing her onto the dance floor.

She's awkward, probably because she's only trained herself how to dance as a boy. I see her blush when she blunders and I can't help but blush myself. Lucky it's dark, and my mask takes up most of my face, and that she doesn't know it's me. All three help, really.

Her hand is soft in mine, small. She's much more tiny than one would realize when you see her every day. I'm surprised she plays a male so well. She twirls reluctantly and I pull her close, continuing to dance even though I'm hardly breathing, my heart is pounding heavily, and where her warm skin touches feels nearly on fire.

This is what everyone else would call masochism.

I don't ask her to dance to the next song, nore the next three, but we dance together anyways. She improves significantly throughout the time. We eventually mutually part, obvious that we need a momentary break. We head to the buffet, where her expression explains everything even without showing some of her features.

Damn rich people.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me who you are." I say, testing the ground. If she knows who I am, she will criticise me. She doesn't.

"That would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"

Good answer. I nod and drink my fruit beverage. She tilts her head and I follow her out to the balcony. Couples are walking together, as well as a couple people that are obviously just friends. That makes me feel better.

"You're quite capable at dancing. I'm not very good." She says modestly.

"You were improving considerably." She's too pretty. This is something straight out of Tamaki's daydreams. And it's mine. Maybe his delusions are decent once in awhile, though I prefer Haruhi to be herself most of the time. "All it takes is practice, and we can practice all night if you like."

She smiled and nodded and I moved to go back in but at the same time it seemed obvious that she wanted to stay in place. I complied, quite aware that I wouldn't comply this much for anyone else and cursing myself for it. We hold each other maybe a bit more than necessary and while the forfront of my head is dizzy from her smell and ecstatic feelings, the back of my brain wonders why she's so out of character.

The same reason I am, no doubt.

"What happened to your friend you were waiting for?" She stops momentarily and apologizes. I tell her it's alright before taking her again. I didn't want to bring it up but I wanted to talk, since we're far enough from the music and the people anyways.

We talk about little things at first, then opinions on things. We have a lot in common, which I knew, but we were talking about stuff we usually wouldn't.

"What do you think of soul mates?"

She paused a beat before continuing. "I believe in them, I think my parents were soul mates. It's ridiculous for the most part, but if you can believe in love, you might as well take it all the way. How about you?"

"I don't know. Not many people in my life married out of love... such as, none of them." I shrug a bit. "But I don't disbelieve in it. I think love is very powerful."

"Will you get married due to an arranged marriage?"

"Most likely."

Something seemed to echo through her and me at that moment and I wondered why. It seemed we were simultaneously sad. Maybe she pitied me.

We danced in silence for awhile, my mind meticulously thinking along the sidelines. It was easy to be a different person when no one knew who you were, I did it every day, but was I being someone else now? Or did she soften my edge just that much? I hear the announcement that the night is ending and for the first time I wish it wouldn't for a reason other than unfinished business. We keep dacing and in a moment that she looks up at me, I do something so uncalled for I'm almost disgusted with myself.

I kiss her.

My eyes are closed for a moment before I pull away. It was fairly chaste, and she's more shocked then anything. I smile and spin her, looking up to see Tamaki turning away. I didn't know he was there, but it's just as well he saw. Haruhi wouldn't be kissing a total stranger. I smile lightly and kiss her hand, which also intrigues her. "Well, the night is ending and I must be off. Thank you for making this ball worth my time."

With that, I turn and stride away. As I hit the crowd I think I hear her mutter 'player' to herself. I could laugh, but I don't. No, I feel her eyes on me, unable to bring herself to chase me and demand my identity, and I make my way through the crowd and out of the building. It's not until the car comes to pick me up that I feel my lungs fill with air completely. I take off my mask and demand to go home. I want to sleep and hopefully relive the dream all over again.


	5. Sick

A/N: I'm glad that people liked the last chapter. I tend to critique myself harshly.

About the beta tester, I'm not sure if I really want one, but how does one go about getting one?

Thanks for the reads, favs, watches, etc. I do really appreciate it.

This A/N is going to seem long now cuz I have a few things to say. One, sorry the update took so long. I would have been spending quite a large quantity of time writing, but recently my USB ports stopped working and I couldn't figure out what it was. While I have a laptop, and typing wasn't an issue without USB ports, my external harddrive couldn't connect. Since I had this halfway done, and that put me in a block.

Now I switched to Windows 7, which seems to fix the problem (though my mouse still isn't working. My puppy probably chewed on it, but still weird timing) but it will take awhile to get used to it and customize things to my prissy preferences.

This chapter might be going fast, I just skip quite a large amount of time because, unlike in my other stories, I don't think the passion is there for me to have like three chapters and one day passes. No, seriously, if you've read my (unfinished) Harry/Draco fanfic, you'd know it's ridiculous.

Now my thoughts on some things concerning the story, which is probably the only thing here you care about.

CONCERNING HARUHI:

Some of you think she'd figure it out after the ball. I disagree. She's very intelligent but more in a bookworm sort of way. She has very little intuition as far as I can tell, and so therefor assuming that the man is Kyoya (though probably obvious if it happened in real life) would be a bit much for her. I also don't think she's the type to go out of her way to look for a stranger.

CONCERNING KYOYA:

Somone or multiple people, I forget, brought up that he acted a lot like himself in the ball, in the way that he still sounded demanding and gave her no real choices. I think this is true, but not enough to give himself away. See, if she even thought it might be Kyoya, she'd only remember that he has nothing to gain from being nice to her while masked and as the facade of being a stranger. Plus you have to remember that probably a good deal of people are bossy more or less because rich kids are brats.

CONCERNING TAMAKI:

Thanks for agreeing on his inner mind theatre being a bit strange for loving Haruhi. I also put him in a dumber catagory than he probably is. Not because he is dumb, but because he is emotional. If he even guessed that Haruhi and Kyoya were kissing, he'd probably convince himself otherwise out of denial. In this case, I don't think he even guessed that far because he didn't look carefully enough. He most likely looked at lovers kissing and, being a romantic, left them in their privacy, without even looking at who they might be.  
That's all for now. I'm sorry I have to explain things, it's because my mind looks deeper than things probably are and I don't know if I can convey all this (or have done it accurately enough) in first person.

--

Monday came either all too soon or not soon enough , I can't seem to decide. On one hand, I get to see Haruhi and try to make myself feel normal again. On the other, I see Haruhi and feel the flutter in my stomach that, despite my feelings, wasn't there before.

"Haruhi! Where were you at the dance? Daddy wanted to dance with yoooou!" Tamaki practically screams next to me when our female member walks into the third music room. The twins are at her side in a moment.

"I was there." There's no stopping it, and I know what's coming next because she doesn't know anyone saw us. I wish I could tell her to stop, but I have no reason I can come up with to do so that wouldn't place me on her lips and therefor on the hitlist of everyone in the Host Club, especially since I had told them that after I checked in, I had been summoned away. "I was an angel."

It sunk in to Tamaki only, as he had been the only one to see it and hadn't deemed it important to tell the others. "With red hair?" She nodded and walked past them, as if suddenly wishing she hadn't mentioned it. However, she wasn't expecting the next thing. coming. "Who were you kissing!" It hardly even sounded like a question.  
The twin's jaws literally dropped in unison, Hunny and Mori looked that way. I try to focus on the appointment schedule of the day, I really don't want to be a part of this. However, the silence is too much and I look up just in time to hear her whisper.

"I'm not really sure..."

"It's like a Cinderella story!" Hunny.

"We'll kill him." Twins.

"How dare a stranger come and taint my Haruhi! We'll find him and we'll teach him some manners."

Yeah, this isn't looking good for me. I keep my mouth closed, defending the other man, myself, would be suspicious.

"I don't think that's really necessary. He didn't know who I was either." Did I just feel guilt? "And he was very polite, and yeah the kiss caught me off guard, but it wasn't an unpleasant experience." I force myself not to smile. I feel really bipolar and make a mark on the notes I have for the day on how much each member will accumulate today.

"Mama-"

"Don't call me Mama." I really want to break away from this family thing. It feels wrong when I like our supposed daughter. And kissed her.

"- Haruhi's lips have been tainted!"

"Oh? You think so? Any more than the other dance we had, where it was your fault?"

"But this is a boy!"

A sigh and put down my book. "Haruhi doesn't seem to mind, so why should I?" Double meaning, good thing Tamaki was stupid with those kind of things. Too interested in what he wants to see than what might also be there. I'm not really sure what I'd do if she was outraged at the kiss.  
The day went by slowly. Tamaki was depressed, and honestly so was I on some level, and the redheads were a bit off because of their anger. Haruhi seemed to daydream a lot. Hunny and Mori were the only ones unaffected.

I have a moment to myself and I intrude upon Haruhi, who seems to have her thoughts elsewhere. "Daydreaming about your admirer?" I say lightly but she jumps about ten feet in the air and I know I'm right. I blink in order to keep my face calm. "Don't let it affect your work." And with that, I walk away.

I miss that night already, where I didn't have to sound like the normal me where I only look out for profit and seemingly use her as a tool.

--

"Kyoya, I'd like you to go to begin meeting women for marriage arrangements. I have a few for you to choose from. Do not disappoint me."

That's how it had started, I started meeting a total of four women on a weekly basis to decide which one to take as my wife. My father didn't really care which one, all of them would benefit the families mututally. I would put on my host face and make them happy, but I think I hate each and every one of them. It wasn't that they were bad people, most likely, but they were the proof that my fate was sealed. The hardest part was seeing Haruhi every day. Even if I mentioned I would be getting married to any of these women, she wouldn't care. She still thought about me as the masqued man, I think, but me as myself meant nothing, so I didn't mention it.

Eventually one of the girls dropped out, having chose another boy over me. I was both happy and offended. What had I done wrong? It was then, though, that I started having thoughts that my father would slap me if he knew about.

Valentine's week came around, months and months after the ball, all too fast. On Monday I sent her 100 lavender roses with a note that says simply. 'You can change your hair and your clothes but I can't forget your lips. - Demon' I sent them to school so I didn't look like a stalker, but that message got taken in by the guys anyways.

"Oh Haruhi! We'll protect you from the mean stalker man!"

"He might kill you!"

"Rape!"

Tamaki was crying. I can't be sure if he was crying that another man gave her roses when he wasn't able to or if he was genuinely worried about Haruhi.

"I don't know, he's figured out who I am, obviously, but he hasn't told anyone. And a secret admirer sending flowers is nothing new. To this extent is a bit extreme, but in middle school you used to be able to buy a carnation and have it sent to your admirerer and it was done by the student council."

"What a glorious idea." I sigh, he's fixed himself. "We should do that."

"No, because we'd get more flowers than we'd know what to do with, and we already have a rule against giving gifts to us. You just want to feel important." I can hear his heart break.

"But Haruhi got flowers!"

"Not by one of our customers, I don't think. So it doesn't really matter. And he's anonymous, so exactly how do you plan on giving them back?" Now, my mind focuses on her. "What do you think about this whole thing, Haruhi?"

She shrugged and seperated the flowers and put them into varying vases she had accumulated from around the room. "I don't know, really, at least we won't have to pay for roses, that should benefit you sempai." Not really, I bought them. But I guess using them for something useful is good. "And while I'm not a big fan of public affection," she mused with a sidelong glance at Tamaki, "I guess once in awhile it's not bad." I smile lightly. Of course, I'm not a big person on public displays of love either, but I was limited in my choices. "And it's not like he's demanded anything of me, and to be honest I'm curious as to who he is."

"HARUHI! Don't tell me you love him? You don't even know him!"  
"I never said that, but at least from what I can tell we clicked. Even as a friend, I think he'd be nice to know. I'm not all that concerned with love or lust, really, but maybe if I got to know him for more than a few hours, things would go that way."  
Tamaki is crying again, and everyone is doting on him. I grin almost evilly while no one is looking. Haruhi knows nothing about what she's saying, of course, but it thrills me that she'd even think that it was possible.

Ranka is so excited that Haruhi has a secret admirer, despite his usual hatred towards Tamaki because of the supposed threat the dunce is to him. His curiosity is probably moreso than his daughters and I smile over the phone. "No, I have no idea who sent them."

"Oh, don't you usually know everything that happens in the host club, the school, and even beyond Kyoya-kun?" Uh oh. I don't really care for the tone of voice he has. That upbeat I know something tone.

"I guess some things can get past me."

"So then you're investigating it then, right?" Yeah, this wasn't looking good. Of course, Ranka didn't know how much I wasn't supposed to care, especially since it would be counter productive considering I'm in contact with her father. Damn it.

"Would you like me to, Ranka?" I hope the unease in my voice isn't obvious.

"Hmm, no, I think I know who it might be." He muses and I know he's up to something, he really is like Tamaki in a lot of ways. "Well, I gotta go, dear, talk to you tomorrow!"

--

Tuesday came and Tamaki was fidgety all day, a smile on his face. I finally sigh and ask him why he's so excited.

"Because Ranka invited me over!" I freeze, and I'm glad he's so preoccupied because it means he doesn't notice that I have suddenly gone pale. So Ranka was planning something, and I didn't like it. Of course, I wasn't supposed to like it. This was either planned against me or with the wrong assumptions. Both sounded dangerous to me, and for once it wasn't something I was expecting. Totally caught off guard and unsure, that's me.

I turn to my book and pretend to be reading, acting as unaffected as possible. Good thing Suoh isn't paying attention. The last thing I needed right now would be for him to notice and unintentionally rub it in.

No, the sheer fact that Tamaki was invited over was enough.

More than enough, really.

There was, of course, the anger welling up at me, surprisingly and illogically at Tamaki instead of Ranka. Most of it is frustration because I couldn't think of anything to do. I'm more or less engaged, I just didn't know to whom. It's not like I could very well just come out with my feelings, in which I have an inkling Ranka wants me to do, but if I'm wrong and did so, it would only lead to my embarassment and pain. No, I don't like this at all. I feel like I've just been checkmated by someone who I thought would have been on my side, as opposed to Tamaki.  
For the first time in my life that day, I faked being sick and went home. Being the son of a medical branch's owner comes in handy, you know all the symptoms you need to portray to get away with something.

I didn't talk to Ranka that night, I didn't answer my phone for anyone. I laid in bed and felt as sick as I was pretending to be. However, this was no flu, this was what it felt like when someone ripped a body part out of you, and I don't think it's really necessary to define which organ that might be.  
I didn't go to school the next day or the day after that, and my father would be on my case if he was in town but luckily he was not. I also skipped out on one of the dates with a girl named Yumi Kioto on the second day of my 'sickness', the last thing I wanted to see right now was the reason why I couldn't just barge up and reveal my feelings. Not that I would anyways, considering that's just not the kind of person I am. Then again, it's unlike me to play sick as well. I just needed time to think.

Maybe I should switch schools.

I sat up just as someone knocked on my door. "Sir, you have a visitor."  
Must be Tamaki, or the twins, who had also gone to Haruhi's the day after according to a text I recieved. "I don't want to see anyone today."  
That didn't seem to stop them, as expected by anyone in the Host Club who barges in to tell me something or try to get me to do something. The door opened, I could hear it, but I didn't look their way.

The footsteps were soft, and slow. They weren't barging in, they knew they were invading my privacy. I forced my head to turn only slowly but I wanted to know in that instant. It couldn't be... It was.

"Haruhi."

"Hi Kyoya-sempai." She was still in her school uniform, but that didn't matter to me, she was even more beautiful after forcing myself not to look at even pictures of her. "Happy Valentines Day."

--

A/N: dundun_duuun_ Okay, sorry about the weird spacing, I'm trying out a new typing program called Q10 and I haven't gotten used to it yet.


	6. Time

A/N: Wasn't really in a fanfiction mood tonight but I was almost done with the chapter, so here ya go.

LOL My extended family (the only family I consider family other than my siblings) is outcasting me because my puppy is a FEROCIOUS SCARY (half) PITBULL WHO WILL OBVIOUSLY ATTACK YOU ASAP. Oh, and because I'm nineteen and I say words like FUCK.

PAPFFT. Bitches.

So here ya go. Hopefully I'll feel more romantic soon so that you can have more mushystuff. :P

--

I hadn't even thought about what day it was, which is probably made up of some subconscious desire not to realize what day it was. What was Haruhi doing here on Valentine's anyways, I'm sure half the Host Club would have asked her out somewhere, not to mention her father plotting against me. I put on a plain expression and stare at her for a moment before asking exactly what's on my mind, "And out of all the things you could be doing on a romantic holiday, you're coming to visit me?" I sit on my rumpled bed, not really caring if she sees it or not. That's nothing to get embarrassed over out of the very large amount of recent experiences.

She takes a seat and looks at me. "You don't look very sick, Kyoya-sempai. You know, you're worrying all the guys in the club. I wouldn't expect you to do that because you wanted to take a holiday." I can almost hear her accusations, that I'm not one to take a holiday at all, that I'm being selfish, and if I didn't know better that she was worried as well.  
"Not exactly a holiday." I say calmly and cross my legs. "I have indeed not be feeling well, but I think it's something other than an actual physical ailment."

She's smart, but she totally missed the mark. "Oh, you have been working yourself too hard, haven't you?" I forced myself not to lift my hand to my glasses is impatience. I don't know why I feel so impatient that she's not getting it, as I have been hiding it, but somehow it feels like if she could only figure out on her own, without me indicating it, that everything would work out wonderfully. Of course, she's not a mind reader, so I'm in trouble with that whole idea.

"Something like that." I agree halfheartedly. "Is there a reason you came over?"

"Oh." She opens her bag and pulls out a pile of papers. "All the host club stuff and school stuff, for some reason my dad decided I should bring it to you in person. I told him you'd probably prefer me not to bother you, and that it would be just as easy to just email it to you, but then he looked at me with those big eyes of his. I think he feels guilty about something, any idea what?" She honestly didn't know, but I did.

"How did your days with Tamaki and the twins go?" That came out sharper than expected from my point of view, but she either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Tamaki and my dad bickered the entire time, well my dad accused him of things and Tamaki tried hopelessly to please him, not really sure why he invited sempai over. The twins were fun, I suppose." She mused, and I could almost feel something shatter in me, "but of course I didn't get any chores done nor shopping or anything, because they require so much attention and entertainment. All three of them really could be a bother."

"True enough. So why aren't you with any of them on Valentines?"

"Because I felt like they've taken up enough of my week." It was a good point, and it made me feel a little better.

I sighed, "And you're only here because of your father. So I'll thank you for bringing the stuff and I'll let you go so you can do your chores or whatever you choose to do."  
"Are you kicking me out?"

"... No..." I say meekly, trying to shrug to make myself not look so obvious.

"Actually, I wanted to ask if you wanted to come over."

"Did your dad tell you to?"

"No. He probably would be overjoyed to see you, but that's not why. I figure some company would be nice after being gone a few days, and you don't seem to be all that sick." She smiled at me and I didn't want to say no, but I couldn't just jump up and run out the door with her.

"What of your shopping and chores."

"I can do them with you around."

Well, that was unexpected. "I have no desire to go to the supermarket or watch you do the dishes."

"I know, that's what makes you less annoying than the rest of them. When I do 'commoner' things, you don't get all excited and carry on about it. You just accept it."  
She likes me because I'm not amused by things she does? "I guess I'm not doing anything important anyways." Except ditching out on three dates set up for today by my father, of course. "Let me get my stuff."

--

The day was uneventful from there in a way. She cleaned the house and I awkwardly watched her, really unsure of what I was supposed to be doing. The polite thing to do would be to help out, of course, but I couldn't even imagine anyone's reaction if they heard that I scrubbed dishes or vaccuumed, so instead I watched silently. I let the questions build up in my mind, such as what I should do from here and why she would invite me over, since this was probably the most obvious of outcomes.

I constantly feel as if I should say or do something, to not waste this oppurtunity, but again with her I'm at a loss. And again it's her that takes the conversation onward by simply being a good host, friend, or whatever she considers herself to me. Employee, most likely. "Would you like to stay for dinner? I'll make whatever you want, seeing as I haven't cooked in the last couple of days, nor shopped so I can buy whatever."

"I don't mind staying, but I have no preference as to what you cook."

She gaves a wry smile. "The same as you didn't care what I bought at the expo, because it would be tripe either way?"

I even allow myself to smile slightly. "I've had your cooking before, and it's not nearly as bad as fast food." I push up my glasses, covering half my face quite on purpose. "Of course, if it does taste like tripe for any reason, I'll be sure to let you know."

"Thanks for that." Her voice had a certain final feeling to it that I wish wasn't there, that made the conversation feel over. Just when I was actually talking, she takes away the enjoyment of it.

"So how has the Host Club been doing without me?"

She thought about it for a moment before she dumped the dustpan into the garbage. "I don't know, it's like no one's really sure in a way. They carry on the same towards the guests, but you can tell that you're a necessary person to have around. The twins are getting caught up in Tamaki-sempai's antics, and Hunny and Mori have an air of uneasiness about them. Hunny and Tamaki seem to worry about you a bit. Weird, though, that though everyone's worried they tried to put up a fight when I said I was coming over." I bet they did, Tamaki and the twins probably wouldn't trust me. Not that they should, mind you, so I can't possibly get offended at this. "All in all, I think that you should come back as soon as you can, since no one knows how to do anything functional. They tried to pile it on me, the bookworm, but then I reminded them that I'm kept so out of the loop from what goes on with the financial aspects of the club. Such as the auctions and other profits I didn't even know about for the longest time." Did she just glare at me? "So I really couldn't help."

"Would you like to?"

"Like to what?"

"Learn more about the more responsible side of the club's inner workings."

She thought about it for a moment then shrugged. "I guess it wouldn't hurt either of us for me to learn a bit more. Maybe you won't have to work so hard." She was still under that impression, which is incorrect, but I am pleased that she cares enough to offer to help because she's worried about my health. "But I don't really know if I have time between studying, school, chores, and the Host Club."

I thought about this. "I suppose we could arrange it around your schedule, taking time here and there. Perfectly up to you, of course." She looked at me skeptically, knowing there was more to this story when in fact there wasn't. "What?"

"There's something missing here, something you're not telling me."

"And what is that?"

"Why this benefits you."

Aha. I thought about this for a moment, and I couldn't think of any reason why this wouldn't benefit me. More time with Haruhi, less for myself to do, and while I didn't exactly want the title of the sole financial responsiblity holder in order to show my father how capable I am, I could dream that if he saw she was just as capable as me that perhaps I wouldn't have to marry one of those girls.

Yes, except for the the whole telling my dad off and impossible miracles, that sounded like a perfect plan.

"Weren't you the one who both said that I'm not always out for my own benefit, I just act that way? You also said that it would help keep me from overworking myself." She took that with a bit of suspicion, but she didn't argue.

Maybe it was counter-productive, considering my fate was sealed, but as it is now I might as well spend as much time with her as I can. Hope is a bit beyond me, for sure, but so is wasting time. Tamaki's the romantic, the one that would, if he noticed for a minute what his feelings really were, grab her now and tell her everything, without concern for what his responsibilities. It would probably even be reasonable to tell her that I'm supposed to be dating girls to arrange a marriage, which she would most likely be apalled by, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so. Her, nor anyone, needs to know about my problems. Maybe that's another thing that makes us similar, our individuality in which we don't need to call for the help of others.

I wish I could though, to be perfectly honest.

We leave shortly thereafter and go to the store. By the time we get back, Ranka is there and seems far too overjoyed to see me but at least he keeps his mouth shut. This man and Tamaki might be alike, but Ranka certainly has more sense. We eat, I call a car, end of the night.

Well, not really. As soon as I get in the car, I realize just how many mistakes I've made just by associating with her tonight. My father will be very displeased, and though he certainly won't do anything about it, his view of me will be dampened and, to me at least, that is enough. I prompty email the girls with arrangements for other days, using my supposed illness as an excuse, and then I let myself sleep without even looking at the papers Haruhi brought me.

Within the last week, I've done so much that I shouldn't have? And yet it doesn't even satisfy me. What a scary concept, and if I was smart at all I would stop it now, cut off connection with Haruhi, no, with the Host Club, but I can't, and there's only one reason for that. Because I don't want to. For the first time in my life, there's something I actually want to hold onto, two things really. The Host Club and Haruhi, and since both are temporary, I'll just have to make do with what I have for now.


	7. Fear

A/N: Long time no see.

This chapter blows. I'll admit I'm kind of running on cruise control. Also flying by the seat of my pants, as I don't remember my previous intent. Feel free to laugh at me.

Haruhi caught on quickly. Bookkeeping, accounting, all the logical things that were my job in the Host Club were almost depressingly easy for her. Maybe I wasn't so special or even needed. I even said something along these lines, except not so pathetically.

"I don't think that's true, Kyoya-sempai. For instance, if you left, who would keep them in line?" Them. I don't know why, but I liked the sound of that. Them and us, not us and you.

Three weeks had gone by since I had spent time at her house, this was only the second time we had taken time to teach her the inner workings of the club, and this was because we were both dragged by the others to go to a lake. They were swimming, we were not.

"HARUHI! Look at me!"

That was the obnoxious part about all this, was that everyone was vying for her attention, including myself. But like the others, I couldn't bring myself to so attempt for it so outright.

I could ask her to come over, or to go to her house, but it doesn't seem right to impose myself on her. She excused herself as the twins pulled her away and I only nodded, my eyes following her momentarily before opening my email.

Another letter from one of the girls, Amiko Hani. I skimmed over it quickly and was astounded when I saw a certain word.

"Love."

I'll admit I wasn't ready for this. I'm sure plenty of woman think they love me, but it is entirely different when it was quite possible that I'd marry this woman. This should be good. This should be perfect, a woman who already is ready to commit to me.

So why do I feel as if everything is falling down around me?

The walls were closing in. I hadn't lied to myself telling myself anything other than what would happen. But maybe I had somehow hoped, somehow wished. I lift my gaze to the girl of my unknown, who was getting angry visibly at Tamaki for trying to smother her. I wanted to run over, to tell them all to stop bugging her. I know, however, that she will forgive them versus the fact I would never forgive myself.

I close my laptop and pack it away without responding to the email. I don't want to ever see that woman again, but I know what will happen.

And it does.

Even by the time I arrive home, my father is waiting for me with wonderous, in his opinion, news about how he had gotten a call from Mr. Hine. I sit, and listen to his ramblings about how great this is.

I'm feeling blocked, I know my father has made his decision. "Father, I'd like to meet the other girls a couple more times. I feel it is only fair to them to give them a slight more of a chance, or at least make it so that there is more padding when it ends."

My father agrees, my logic always comes across flawless. It should, since I am a cold and emotionless individual. That's how people percieve me. That's why they love me, they hate me.

I want her to love me.

I think I should make her hate me.

That would make it easy, wouldn't it? To rip her out of my life and vice versa. This goes past the profit of the host club, means so much more than any of the reasons I've been telling myself, telling everyone else.

I went to my bedroom and stayed there without eating for the entire night, just thinking about how to break it off, to disassociate with her. Perhaps even with all of them.

I ended up falling asleep and dreaming of her. This was strange, I generally do not dream. One minute I was the normal me, the next was the masked mystery man from the masquerade. I woke up, sweating, too early in the morning with a strange a ghost on my lips.

Everything was going downhill. Everything was a blur. One of the downsides of waking up too early, I suppose.

What should I do? Everything felt so real in that moment, my usually detached self shivering with anger. I got dressed, despite it being about four in the morning. I then got up and out of the house, taking my car I hardly ever drove myself into the darkness.

I needed to think clearly, without emotions running through me like the end of the world was at my fingertips. I didn't want this, I didn't want any of this. How could I go against my father? I couldn't, I can't. Left, right, and somehow I ended up in front of her house but I didn't stop I just passed it.

Great.

I drove back home with a strange feeling. I felt rebellious, I felt afraid. I loaded some things into my car, I ate, I finished all the accounting for today, and then I went to school.

School itself was normal. Despite a knot in my stomach, despite the repetitive looking at the clock. After school, the host club came and went. I didn't exchange a word to Haruhi. I left as soon as it was over, leaving Haruhi to the hounds that were my co-hosts. Today was easy, I could go without talking to her forever. I shouldn't do this.

What I was about to do was ridiculous.

I got dressed in the bathroom closest to the entrance of the school, checking myself int he mirror. Normal clothes, but my brothers. A wig that I now realized why no one would recoginize me it covered my face quite a bit. Green contacts.

This was dangerous. Surely without a mask, she would recognize me. It was so obvious. Maybe she wouldn't even recognize me from months and months back.

I stood by the entrance to the school anyways, leaning against a column. The knot was gone, but that hardly mattered. I was shivering, fidgety, I had a headache.

I was too logical, too calculating for this.

This wasn't me.

Then why was I doing this.

"You..."

I spun my head 45 degrees. In my worrying, she had snuck up on me. My heart beat and I couldn't keep my fingers still.

I put on a smile I had practiced for so many years, and in the back of my head I beat myself for using it because she may recognize it. I opened my mouth, reminding myself to lower it slightly. "Hello, Haruhi."

Maybe this was in fact calculating enough for me. 


	8. Surprises

**Still on cruise control. But I think that it will get better? Maybe? No, you're right, probably not. Trying to set things up so that the plot can come to a tapered ending... if that makes sense.**

**PS wow this chapter is short and pathetic. Sorry, I'll start typing in a larger box so it doesn't seem like I'm typing more than I am.  
**

I almost wanted to get angry at her. Shouldn't she know better than to get in cars with 'strangers'? And yet here she was. If I bring it up, would that scare her away? My obsessive neatness proved to be handy, no identity-giving evidence in this car. I drove.

"So who are you, anyway?"

I pause for a moment as we're stopped at a light. "I don't know if I can tell you."

"Oh? Can I at least have a reason for that? After all, you are someone who is driving me to an unknown destination."

I frown. "Because... It's complicated."

"Are you on a time limit?"

She was getting obnoxious. Maybe she'll drive me away!

Keep wishing.

"My identity... It's someone who shouldn't have anything to do with you. Plus, I think I'm afraid of you knowing who I am."

"But you get to know mine." It wasn't a question. She was surprisingly understanding, that subdued quality she has about her. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"Do you love anyone?" It wasn't intentional. For one of the few times in my life, my words got away from me. I could feel her staring at me. "I need to know, even though it's none of my business."

"You're not like a stalker or something, are you?"

I laughed. "No. That's not it."

She thought for a moment. "Love isn't really something important to me right now." That made sense. "I guess you're the closest thing I've had to an admirer." How unaware of her. "And it's not that I really have a crush, but it's probably because I don't think that way often."

"What about the host club?"

"Jealous?"

"A bit, but not insanely so."

She smiled. I was driving so I couldn't see it, but I could feel it.

"Tamaki-sempai... Seems the most obvious choice." I grip the wheel silently. "He's the most like my father. But I can't see me being with him. He's a great guy, I suppose, but he's so needy and I'm not really doting."

"The twins are the same in that aspect, plus I could never choose one over the other. It would seem cruel. I know they're individuals, but they're so close, I couldn't consider coming between them."

"Mori-sempai is wonderful, but probably even less romantically interested than I am."

"Hunny. No, just no, he's so much like a brother."

Why did I become last? That seemed strange, but at the same time, knowing I was the only one left made me aware of when my name came up. Until she didn't say anything.

"What about Ootori-sempai?" Yes, I must distance myself from... myself.

"I think he hates me."

My heart literally stopped for a moment. I couldn't breathe when it started again, double the speed it should healthily be contracting and expanding. It was painful.

"Not in a rude way, and he certain tolerates me. Maybe hate is a strong word. Even if I was interested, he wouldn't be. I'm just a commoner who is indebted to him. I don't know..."

I couldn't say anything, couldn't trust myself to.

"But I guess, if I had to choose out of all of them, he'd be the most 'my type'."

And now I was really speechless. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea, now there were all sorts of weird ideas going through my head. Stranger than showing up as a mysterious man and having her in my car, if possible.

I cleared my throat and asked where she lived, only momentarily remembering to ask instead of just go there. She told me and I headed that way, wondering if it occurred to her not to trust me with such information.

I dropped her off. "Well, so long, and thanks." It's all I could manage. I wasn't sure if thank you was the right wording, as she had inadvertantly made things so much harder by saying what is probably the closest thing to what I wanted to hear.

"Will I see you again?"

I paused. "Why? Do you want to?" My heart was beating quickly, too quickly.

She shrugged, her head still dipped into the car. "There's nothing wrong with aquiring a new friend." She smiled then. That same smile she gives Kasanoda, that same kindness which isn't fake but isn't in depth either.

"If you want to, then that's fine. Sunday afternoon?"

"Four?"

"Alright."

With that she closed the door and I drove away.

I knew this was wrong, counterproductive. You know that feeling you get when you know things are going to go the way it shouldn't, but you do it anyway? That's what was happening, I knew it. This can only lead to hurt.

Should I try?

I decided against it. Her answer was so vague. No. Instead I just should keep visiting her as... Who am I? Actually, I shouldn't even do that, but recently I hadn't been listening to my logic as much as I should.

Because when I try to be cold and calculating again, to clear my head of emotions, I feel so incomplete, so hopeless. Afraid, even. Never before had this happened to me, and yet here I was.

Of course one can never entirely plan something out, though perhaps I had done a poor job at that anyway. My heart wasn't in it, so to speak, so accidents occurring shouldn't have been that strange.

Enter Kaoru and Hikaru, imps in human form, carrying a protesting Haruhi. Imagine me, not so strangely, ignoring them. Tamaki, chasing over them like a madman telling them to 'unhand his daughter'. One thing leads to another and just as I go to sip some of my hot tea, everything comes tumbling down.

Literally.

It isn't so hard to figure out, the easy answer is that Tamaki, in his self-induced stress, tripped and fell onto one or both of the twins, therefore making things uneven. I, not realizing the noise to be anything other than their usual, ignored this. A previously lifted Haruhi was dropped, no, thrown into my lap. Shocked, my tea spills on her before I can even consider what has happened.

I'm worried. My tea was hot enough that I had been blowing on it. I take a napkin and am patting down her face quickly. "Are you alright?" It was louder and yet softer than I really can imagine myself, but that portion goes entirely unnoticed by me. My cool and calm had flown out the window for a brief moment.

Perhaps not brief enough.

However she's staring at me, and I'm not sure what to make of that. Is she alright, or isn't she? I'm still patting her face, now her forehead, but I'm gaining composure by the time the rest of them are losing it.

"HARUHI!"

"Are you okay?"

She's helped off my lap, which suddenly feels cold, and whisked away to the nurse's, despite the fact she's again protesting that she's fine. I don't follow, I don't know what to do at all.

Then I feel eyes on me, only to look up and find a half dozen girls, stragglers of our customers who were going to approach me to set up appointments no doubt. I look up, looking more serious than I really attended. I pull out a piece of paper and pen out of my bag and place them on the table.

"I better follow. Please, write your name and other information I normally ask of you on the paper and drop it off in my locker, 228. Thank you."

With that, I pretend to follow the rest of the crowd, however instead I go directly home so I can get a breather before I go on a date with one of the girls who are attempting to make me fall in love with them.

I wish I could, and yet I suppose I haven't been putting an effort into it.


End file.
